Nicest Guy You'll Ever Meet

Two funny, but somewhat inappropriate events happened today. First, one of the guys in my office is heading home. He's a contracting officer and has been here about 7 months or so (he claims 9, but we know the truth). If you don't know what a contracting officer does, they basically buy goods and service from local providers. They essentially establish contracts between companies and the government. They build pretty good relationships with the contractors who provide those goods and services, so one of them wanted to buy a cake for the office as a way to say farewell.

That all seemed pretty normal to me until the time came for the contracting officer to say his farewell remarks. He said all the normal stuff and he's really looking forward to seeing his kids. Out of nowhere, the contractor who bought the cake grabs him in a bear hug and begins to cry. At first, I figured he had to be joking, because I've never seen this type of emotion for a deployment farewell. The rest of us looked at each other dumbfounded not knowing what to say or do. Lucky for me, they gave me a phone with a camera.

Little did I realize, that the contracts that had been awarded to this guy weren't just good for business, but they were life changing. There is a lot of money in government contracts. I can only imagine what the last year of business has done to his way of life. Not sure it's worth crying over, but it made for a good picture.

The second story occurred at my house. My housemate was talking to me and it sounded like he had cotton balls in his mouth. I asked if he was ok and he said he bit his tongue earlier yesterday and had some gauze in his mouth because of that. He was standing next to a local guy I didn't know whom I looked at and said 'you know how he bit his tongue don't you?' He said no and I promptly made the universal symbol of the BJ. He looked at my housemate and said 'really?' We laughed out loud, which made the local guy a little uncomfortable. I'm sure its now the inside joke between my housemate and I, but I probably won't use any more dirty jokes with the locals.

The Heart of Darkness.

Apocalypse Now always felt a little farfetched to me. I remember watching and thinking that something like Col Kurtz would never happen. It didn’t seem reasonable for someone to fall that far from the norm. Now, I’m not so sure. Don’t worry, my beard is nowhere long enough, my Urdu is non-existent and hummus still isn’t my favorite. But there is this guy we work with, who I will refer to as Cook. Cook has been here for the last 2 years. Yes, 2 years. And he’s not living in the capital city; he’s living in the heart of darkness, literally on the Taliban’s doorstep. The US doesn’t actively engage combatants here, but the guys we train do.

The story on Cook is very interesting. He’s a Silver Star winner from some operations he headed in Afghanistan. A real no kidding war hero. They could easily make a movie over what he did in Afghanistan. If you’ve seen the pictures of special ops guys running around on horseback, killing Taliban, he was leading those guys. But for whatever reason, Cook hasn’t promoted. And in the Army, everyone promotes. My guess is that he knows if he makes Lieutenant Colonel, he won’t be able to kill people anymore, but it’s just a guess.

I’ve been here for a week and I’ve heard countless ‘Cook’ stories. Some about him telling of General officers during video telecoms, others about him sending five-thousand word emails explaining the importance of what he’s doing and others about the promises he’s made to the people he is responsible for training.

When I met him, we were pulling up in a vehicle while he and a few of his guys were standing outside. The guy I was with said, ‘that’s Cook’. He looked like somebody delivering something to the house. His hair is easily past his shoulders and his beard touches the middle of his chest. Dressed in the local pajamas, he easily blended in even with a complexion lighter than mine.

Apocalypse Now made Col Kurtz seem like he had gone mad but The Heart of Darkness left that decision up to the reader. Marlow, the guy looking for Kurtz, asks repeatedly why Kurtz would leave his home for a place like this, but the reasoning is left for you to decide. Cook hasn’t reached that level yet, but I find something unreasonable about turning off your life for two years. I don’t think we’ll send someone up the river for him, but at some point, l would think lines would begin to blur so much that he couldn’t possibly go and do something else.

Two running jokes

There are three running jokes in my office; first, there we make constant reference to me not doing anything. When I walk out the door to lunch, I'm always asking someone to hold all my calls. I've beaten that one to death on this blog so I won't cover it here.

The second joke is one that still gets me. It may not translate well to those who haven't traveled much, but it goes like this. Around the base there are tons and tons of rocks. There are countless large boulders all over the place. I can't tell you what they are for (if you've ever been to a government building, you might be able to figure out what they are for), but they are everywhere. Well, someone is selling the Air Force rocks. Lots and lots of rocks. Essentially something that was of no value all of a sudden became valuable. The joke goes like this and is best told with a Middle Eastern accent: 'Muhammad, the Americans are here'.

'The American's?' Muhammad replies.

'Yes, and they want to buy rocks.' Al Bin Ali states.

'Rocks??? They don't want our priceless rugs or hand made jewelery?' Muhammad Questions.

'No, they want rocks. Many, Many rocks.' Ali Bin Ali answers.

'Rocks?' Muhammad asks again.

'Rocks'. Ali bin Ali replies. 'Rocks'.

Muhammad begins to dance around the room, clapping his hands thanking Ala for this glorious day.

The scene moves to Muhhamad and Ali talking to Ameircans.

'Please come in, we have many rocks. Very nice rocks, polished with no bugs.' Muhhamad says to the Americans. 'See, no polished, no rocks'.

It probably doesn't translate well, but if you've ever been to a developing countries market, it's something like that.

The second joke is much easier and translates very simply. Not one they guy's use in mixed company, but I'll share it anyways.

On the door of hangar two, on the way to the flight line, where you'd board a plane to leave Al Udeid, there is some graffiti that reads: 'Poof! You are ugly again'.

Patience

I've always been the worst guy to be behind in a check out line. Not because I'm going to write a check or ask the clerk for directions to the airport. Because, the guy in front of me is going to do that. If there are four lines of equal length, I will find the line that is the slowest, without fail.

All those years of suffering has prepared me for the last 90 days or so. I've intentionally not bashed my office mates here on my blog, but it's growing ever more difficult. At this point, I have nothing positive to say about the Army and that is being extremely kind.

Aside from that, things are well. I start my last masters course after the 4th, I'm stronger then I've been since high school and I'm getting to know Doha pretty well. Things could be worse.

BMI be damned

I'm weighing in at about 230 lbs. I haven't been this heavy since my senior year in high school. Which, was probably the best shape of my life. But, the Body Mass Index, is telling me that I'm 'overweight'. Interesting formula they use, but completely useless as a specific assessment tool. According to this, I was in better shape 2 months ago simply by being 20lbs lighter even though I can lift considerably more weight and perform more pull ups then before.

It will probably prevent me from ever breaking 90 on the PT test, but I'm ok with that at this point.

Memorial Day

Just spent the last hour writing about how getting thanked on Memorial Day makes me uncomfortable, but I'm not ready to share that yet.

Occasionally, I'll be given the chance to say a few words. Usually its after a promotion or when I'm about to PCS. It's very simple and I always say the same thing. It goes something like this:

There is a reason I keep doing the what I do. It's not about money. I have friends who make all kinds of it that offer nothing that I don't. It's not about the Red White Blue either. If we talked about politics for 10 minutes, you'd probably call Senator McCarthy. Its all about the people I work with. Military members take care of each other unlike any other place you'll ever work. They'll mow your lawn, move your furniture, loan you their car and watch your dog without out so much as a second thought. I'm not talking about people you've know for years, but people you haven't even met yet.

Still here

Not much new to report. Still hanging out in Qatar. It's gotten extremely hot here, to the point where it's difficult to go outside at all when the sun is up. Even at night, it's still in the high 80's enough humidity to make it feel sticky.

Went out for dinner again on Saturday. Always nice to get off base and check things out. Prior to dinner, we shopped around at the Gold Souq. Basically, it is a small market of jewelry stores. Lucky for me, my wife doesn't like jewelry, so I didn't buy anything.

The news out of Afghanistan has been disheartening. Two attacks against US bases 9 years after we started the war doesn't sound like progress. Someone asked me today if I thought the idea of limiting air strikes was an effective policy. I answered that if I could provide any insight into effective policy in Afghanistan, I'd be making a heck of a lot more money. The next 6 months will be very telling for the future.

Getting fatter in Qatar

Been awhile since I've posted last so, I've got a lot to cover.

First, I've started a new diet and work out plan. I'm pretty much on a see-food diet that requires me to drink a gallon of whole milk a day. Along with a gym regiment that requires me to lift heavy sh@t. So I'm assuming you are asking yourself 1 of 3 questions: Are you eating meat? Are you eating Burger King? and did someone make you do this? Yes, I am eating meat again. Lots of it. The socially conscious side of me doesn't like it, but I plan on it being a temporary thing. Once I reach my strength goals, I'll go back to a normal diet (normal for me anyways). No, I'm not eating BK. Don't plan on it. I have visited the Pizza Hut a few times, but only for BNP. The chow hall has all the food I can eat for free. At this point in my life it's pretty safe to say I'll never eat at BK or McDonald's again.

No one is making me do this. A few weeks ago, I started doing some of the crossfit workout's of the day. They were totally kicking my ass (which is a good thing), but I was having a hard/impossible time doing some of the prescribed weights. One of the strength programs crossfit referred to was starting strength. I googled it, messed with it for a week or so, then bought the book. Said I'd give the whole thing a month to see how I feel and to see if the strength gains were enough to continue on. It's now been two weeks, and I've put on about 10 lbs. The strength gains have been very good, so it will be interesting to see how things look in 2 weeks.

I've been going out to Doha just about every weekend. The odds of me buying my own Hookah goes up significantly every time I try it. We went out to dinner last night at Tex-Mex Chinese restaurant (it was a Chinese restaurant that served breakfast burritos and chili) then went to a hookah bar for an hour or so. The guy I was with is from India. He 28 and is planning on visiting his family in India after his deployment. When there, he'll start the arranged marriage process. The way he explained it to me, sounded like your parents taking over your Match.com account. I'm totally fascinated by the whole process.

Also, It's freeking hot here. Last week was in the 110's and it felt hotter because of the haze and humidity. The third-country-nationals that do all the work cover themselves from head to toe and look like they are wearing a bad Halloween costume. But I guess it works.

Finally, my beard is pretty unimpressive. The hair under my chin grows substantially thinker then the hair above it.

People come here for vacation

I could go on and on about the dichotomy of Al Udeid. On one hand, the base is in the Middle East, surround by terrorist harboring nations and across the way lies a very determined enemy. Yet on the other hand, people come to Doha Qatar for vacation. I've been to downtown Doha as much as possible and the city is really very nice and there is an amazing mix of people. There is a large population of Indian's, Pakistani's, Iranians with some British businessmen mixed in. The Qatari's stick out because of their traditional garb, but aside from that it's business as usual.

With all that, we are still here taking a large number of precautions (of which I can't discuss) and spending a lot of money to prevent a no-kidding attack on the base. I'm don't get it, but what do I know.

Total Slacker

Yep, it's happened. I've gone at least a week without posting to my blog. I'd give you some good excuse, but It's all the same. I actually did some work over the last week, but not enough to justify my paycheck.

We hosted a conference here over the last 4 days. Wait, you're surprised we hold conferences here? So was I. But I've come to realize that Al Udied is the dividing line between the real area of operations and the rest of the world. On one hand, they give us hazardous duty pay and put us in desert camouflage, but on the other hand, we can go downtown and eat kabobs and enjoy 3 beers a day. The only thing that prevents dependents from being here is the facilities. Build some base housing and a DODs school and they could move right in. It's as nice if not nicer then Incirlik.

Still working out a lot more then usual. Not sure if its good or bad, but I've gained 5 or so pounds since I've been here. My belt hasn't gotten any tighter, so I'm hoping that's muscle weight. I started doing crossfit workouts a few days ago. Those are the real deal. Always seen those guys/gals in the gym and was happy I wasn't them. I'm going to give it 3 or 4 weeks to see how it goes. So far it's been pretty good, but I'm curios to see how my cardio holds up with such short workouts.

Alicia and Lucy just got to Arizona, so they'll be spending the next two weeks spending my money on things they 'need'. So much for making money on this deployment.

Downtown Doha

Took a break this weekend from working out to go to downtown Doha to enjoy some local cuisine and visit a few of the shops. We ended up eating at an Iraqi restaurant. Much of the grill food was similar if not the same as Turkish food. Basically, it's grilled lamb or chicken served with bread and vegetables. Really, you can't screw that up. Anyways, since I knew that would be good, I tried something else and it was lousy. It was basically a bread ball with rice, chicken and lamb stuffed inside. It was very bland and there was a limited amount of meat in inside the bread. Not a restaurant I'd visit again.

We stopped to get some authentic Italian gelato. I got a scoop of pistachio and a scoop of stracciatella (chocolate chip). It was as good as any I had in Italy. I imagine I'll stop there anytime I'm in the vicinity. After that, we went to a cafe and smoked some hookah's. I had an orange flavor, that wasn't too bad. It was my first time, but now I see why it is so popular. It's like smoking, but in a much more relaxed manner. Still wouldn't buy one, but I'd be up for smoking another while out on the town.

Beard Update

Not much to update aside from my beard. I'm still here in Qatar, doing my best to stay busy. I spend a lot of time at the gym and watching reality tv shows on MTV.com. I started a masters class on Monday, but that isn't very time consuming. A couple hundred pages of reading and 3 or 4 pages of writing a week. I have more then enough time for that.

My beard has moved beyond the itchy stage to the annoying stage. I'm pretty sure I've gotten food and drink stuck to it on a couple of occasions. I sort of have an under beard going more than anything. Either way you look at it, it's not a good look for me.

Glad to see my family is doing well, but I wish I was back there instead of here. Lucy's birthday is only a couple of weeks away and I'd sure like to be there. I think it would be easier to accept if I was a little more productive. Good thing is, she won't remember the fact I missed this birthday.

Joys of Technology

Got to say, that without the advances of today, I'd be pulling my hair out by now. It's hard for us to even contemplate now, but where would we be without portable computers, high speed internet, video messaging and telephone calls that are all but free.

When I first moved to Alaska, long distance phone calls back to the states ran me about ten cents a minute. A two hour phone call would cost over ten dollars. Now, you can download skype and call anywhere in the world for less then three cents a minute. Not only that, if the other person has a computer, you can video chat with them for free.

Aside from that, I have access to countless movies and tv shows for free (legally). So I don't have to worry about missing My Big Fat Loser or any other reality shows. They are free online anytime I want to watch them.

No Beards Allowed

I’ve been cut off and or not served booze for a number of reasons. Once, I got into a thumb wrestling contest, was clearly the winner, but the girl I was thumb wrestling, pulled her hand back quickly, and struck a candle on the bar which then flew into the back of the bartender. She ran away like a coach roach when the lights come on, but I sat motionless with the bartender looking at me like I tried to light him on fire with the stupid candle. I told Tim and Paul what just happened, but less than five minutes later, the bouncers were telling us ‘you guys are always welcome here, but you need to leave’.

Tonight, I went to the ‘officer’s lounge’ on Al Udeid to meet some of the Air Force Logistics Officers stationed or TDY here. I went to the bar to order a beer and was asked for my ID. The Airmen behind the bar said “the general’s policy is that you have to be in uniform”. I tried to explain my situation, but he wanted to see some sort of letter. I produced said letter to his amassment and got my 3 beers.

When I was 18, I always thought a little facial hair would make it easier to get served. Now that I finally have some facial hair, it’s harder to get a beer.

Wasting away

Let's just say that I haven't been gainfully employed over the last 2 weeks. Most of my time has been spent researching Pakistan, staying current on the news, eating and working out. I'm not complaining in the least bit, but everyone wants to feel needed just a little bit.

My 2nd to last masters class starts on Monday, so that will give me something else to occupy my time, but for right now, it's just me, wikipedia and the weight room. The good thing is, my beard is in the 'Unemployed Guy' stage, so it at least it's a match.

The Office

My office composition is unlike any other office I've worked in before. All my other offices have consisted entirely of Air Force Officers, Enlisted and civilians. The Combined Forces Special Operations Component Command (CFSOCC) which is just the SOCCENT forward, is composed of Air Force and Navy Officers and enlisted. But, the SOCCENT rear (located in Tampa Florida) is composed almost entirely of Army Officers and Enlisted. We are essentially the same office, working out of two different locations. People travel between both locations constantly and our leadership puts a big emphasis on being as forward as possible.

With the different services, career fields and locations it makes for an interesting dynamic. Without getting into details, lets just say that one branch doesn't meld together with the other as easily. Some of it is personality driven, but I believe that some of it stems from what that service thinks is important in its officers and senior enlisted. For example, if my boss at Ramstein held a meeting and said the F-word more then 10 times, we'd likely hear about a formal complaint. It's just not something you'd see in the Air Force. That's obviously not the case with the other services.

Summer Camp

I was walking home from the gym, aka; fitness center, yesterday and I started to think how Al Udeid was sort of like summer camp. The similarities are endless. In summer camp, everything was always better at the start; the food, sleeping on the ground, and bathing in the lake. The experience of eating 'camping food' is always good the first couple of nights, but by the third or fourth night, you really just want a table, napkin and a glass with ice. Same goes for sleeping and bathing. After a few days, you just want civilization. It's the same here. The food is good enough and there is enough variety, that at the beginning it seems pretty good. But after 6 weeks of taco's on Monday, I'll be ready to poke my eye out with a taco shell.

At summer camp, there are always stories about the girls camp across the lake or some crazy story about one of the parents along for the trip. Basically we have the same thing here with rumors amongst the people in the office or the host nation.

Plus, it's hot and dirty.

New room and a beard update

Today I moved into the 'BPC' portion of Al Udeid. Big upgrade from my last home. I get my own room and share a bathroom/eating area with a suite-mate. Much better then sharing a bathroom with 50+ strangers. It's easily nicer then some of the hotels I've stayed in.

Not much to report in the way of the beard growing. It's pretty itchy and I sort of wish I could shave it off, but I guess its coming in well enough. Today I was asked by someone if I was 'in the military'. Generally I look like a poster boy for the Air Force, so that came as a surprise.

I have the day off tomorrow, so I'm going to get up early, watch some UFC, clean my room and maybe go play some video games.

BNP for the FNG

The only thing the military likes more than hookah-pipes, subway sandwiches, tattoos and cash advances are acronyms. We have acronyms for everything and we use them as easily as you use words like ‘mall’, ‘grocery store’, and ‘high school’. But like most things, acronyms don’t cross over between services. The simplest example is BX and PX. The Air Force has ‘Base Exchanges’ and the Army has ‘Post Exchanges’. Trust me, there are a million more of them and they get exponentially harder to decipher and remember all the while they are constantly changing.

So I’ve spent the last 6 days trying to learn a whole bunch of Special Operations acronyms. And today, I learned a new one; BNP (beer and pizza).

Hooka pipes and fake watches

Does a stereotype stop being a stereotype when it is proven to be true? For example, I think that near every Air Force base, there is a tattoo parlor, pawn shop, pay-day loan store and subway. Is that a stereo type of all bases if those are located right out the front gate of every base in America?

In the Middle East, things don't really change much. If you put up a new base tomorrow in Iran, within a few hours, we'd have guys selling knock off watches, Persian rugs, fake purses and hookah-pipes.

I'm not sure what it is, but we flock to these things. We somehow can't get enough hookah-pipes, subway sandwiches, fake watches and tattoo's.

Being Special

I'm assigned to the Special Operations Command Central AKA SOCCENT and for all intensive purposes, they are special. They don't do anything like the AF I work for. I've been there less then a week, working in the logistics division's operations branch and I haven't seen anything that resembles a plan. The people I work with spend their days trying to piece together the next couple of days by scrambling to pull the needed pieces together to support the operators in the field. Everyday is basically a new game of pick up basketball. And thankfully for us, we have MJ, Lebron, Kobe, Magic, Bird and a ton of money on our team.

I've been in other places that operated similarly, but the leadership always pushed change it, by adding more 'process' to the operation. Here, they embrace it. They understand that the teams they are supporting can't always account for every variable and their location can completely change in a split second. While its sort of refreshing to not be inhibited for continually having to validate your process, it is also a because constant crisis reaction that occurs on an hourly basis.

Aside from a complete disdain for planning and sticking to a process, they are also very self contained. We have our own vehicles, vehicles support, medical staff, and even a very nice gym.

Losing weight at the Deid

One of the additional duties I had while stationed at Incirlik was to by the unit physical fitness monitor/physical training leader. If I were to list teh 100 jobs I've had in the Air Force, this one would rank near the bottom, right next to sweeping coal dust at a power plant and working the concession stand at the air show. Part of my job was to give 'PT' tests to people. In the AF, there were 4 main portions to the test; push ups, sit-ups, 1 1/2 mile run and a abdominal circumference/BMI test.

After doing this job for a few months, I began to notice that the guys and gals coming back from their deployments where generally doing worse then people who'd been at Incirlik. Up until now, I never understood why. My general assumption was that you'd have more time to work out and thus you'd be in better shape.

You only need to be here a minute before you realize that junk food is everywhere and atop of that, it's free. You can walk into the for lunch, eat a double cheese burger with fries, 2 cans of soda, a bag of Doritos, cookies, ice cream and take a cliff bar for a snack. All at no cost to you. I now see why these guys were coming back with 15 lbs of extra baggage.

Don't worry though, my diet has been good, with the exception being a few Tagalongs someone brought into the office today.

Growing a beard

I've now reached uncharted waters in terms of growing my beard. I've been in the Air Force since before I was shaving so I've never gone longer then a week without shaving. Usually after a day or two of leave, I'll give in a shave. But for this deployment, they are having me grow a beard.

I have just enough hair on my face now that I find myself constantly fidgeting with it, but not enough to make it even look like a beard. Take a look for yourself.

What does it take to be a General?

My first day of work consisted of 10 hours of briefings to Commanding General of Special Operations Command Central Command. It's really amazing the amount of areas that SOCCENT is involved in and I'd love to share more, but I sort of need my job and the info is classified. As far as first days of work go, it was just about the perfect start. I was great to go over every single one of the bosses priorities right from the start so that you know just where he stands. Yeah, it was long and some of the info was way out of my league, but overall it was interesting stuff that is focused on very important missions.

I'm just a lowly captain, plus I haven't shaved in a week, so I had to sit in an overflow room. For those who've never been to a high level briefing, the overflow room is for the lower ranking attendees who aren't allowed to speak at the briefing. Well as the brief went on, I imagine I got up 10 or so times. Sometimes to get a drink others to go the bathroom to include the 2-20 minute breaks they took. So how many times do you think the General got up? Twice. Once fore each break. Either he's got a catheter, or a bladder the size of Texas. But he sat in the same chair from 1100-2100 and only used the restroom twice.

Well, if that's what it takes to become a GO, I don't have what it takes.

What, no cable???

There is an old joke that went something like this:

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 15 kg. pack on his back,5 kg. weapon in hand, after having marched 15 km, and says, "This sucks."
An Army Airborne Ranger stands waist deep in the rain with a 25 kg. pack on his back, weapon in hand, after having jumped from an airplane and marched 30 km, and says with a smile, "This sucks just fine!"

A Special Forces soldier lies in the mud, 40 kg pack on his back, weapon in hand, after swimming 10 km to shore, crawling through a swamp and marching 40 km at night past the enemy positions, says with a grin, while biting the head of a snake "This really sucks, I wish it could suck more....."

An Air Force officer sits in an easy chair in his air conditioned, carpeted room and says to his friend, "Man.. Cable's out! This sucks!"

This pretty much sums up Al Udeid air base for me so far. My room is pretty much lousy, but it's a room none the less and I'm the only guy sleeping in it. The latrine is only 20 yards away, I have a tv (a few channels even have sound) and a fridge. Of course they were kind enough to take the adapters, but that gave me a reason to find the local bx. I guess the one I went to was the small one, but it was easily as big as the shoppette in Incirlik. Plus I walked by a Subway, BK and Pizza Hut.

I'll refrain from complaining today. I have a feeling the opportunity to complain will present itself again.